Descent into Randomness
by Fawful
Summary: After a warning of things to come, Mario and his friends embark on a journey to find the source of the incoming Randomness. I hide this fic because it is my shame and is in need of a major rewrite. Only read if you want a cheap laugh, but beware language.
1. The End?

OK. I've decided to re-revive this. This was originally a GameFAQs CYOA topic on the Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door board. I decided to convert it to a story. It got deleted for being in some sort of script format. Then I wanted to bring it back to GameFAQs as the seconds part, but I checked my e-mail. What I saw was the most reviews I've gotten... and it all happened in two days! So, due to the reviews, I'm bringing it back once again in a different format. Without those reviewers, I'd have never done it. Thanks to you all!

Mario's House.

This was the place that me and Luigi hang out. We're the superstars of the Mushroom Kingdom... Mario Bros., as we're commonly called. We (Ahem: ME) usually fight these guys called the Koopa Clan for Princess Peach, the whore- er, elegant, all-WORshipping person.

One day was a completely odd day... a sort of...

Descent into Randomness!

God, I love the dramatic effect.

I'm just lounging around with nothing to do. I'm sitting in bed. Suddenly, Luigi enters the room. Naked Luigi. Not pretty. Naturally, I wasn't going to take this calmly.

"Mamma MIA! You sick freak!" I scream.

Luigi stumbles. "Mario?" Luigi seems dazed. "Um... I'm drunk. REALLY drunk."

I sigh a breath of relief. "Oh, thank god!"

_Do that again and I'll kill you, you..._

I want to believe Luigi. I just can't shake a feeling that Luigi's up to something. I turn on the television to take my mind off of what just happened. It's freaky for your brother to just walk in naked out of nowhere...

Just then, there's a knock on the door. Luigi goes off to answer it, mumbling something about Karaoke Night down at the bar. I hear him coming right back.

"What was that?" I ask.

"What was what?" He asked, equally interested.

Just then, there's a knock on the door. _Is he really out on it, or did some sort of paradox just happen?_ I wonder. I decide on the former, seeing as he's actually answering the door naked.

"What the f-"

"RAWR!"

_Probably another one of Bowser's attacks._ I look up to see about one thousand Goombas and a pair of flying things inside the house._ Jesus, what ARE those flying things?_

"Uh..." I contemplate, looking for the right thing to say. Usually, Bowser'd be stupid enough to send a Cheep Cheep. "Can I help you?"

"Yes," They begin, sounding serious. "I'm sure you know why we're here..."

Luigi puts his head down, as if knowing. But I don't worry about that. _How do they all do that in unison? Bowser must have really toughened them up..._

_Shit._

"You see, Mr. Mario..." They say, narrowing their eyebrows. "You forgot to pay the bills last month."

My world freezes. My thoughts shatter. My mind breaks.

_No, he DIDN'T..._

I stare at Luigi. I stare at him and his pussified look in general. His eyes are begging for forgiveness.

_Goddamn it..._

"You fucking bitch!" I yell, louder than anything. "Now I don't have perfect-hollywood-superstar credit!"

"Uh, j-just a minute," He says, being very nervous. "I think a smell something burning..."

He's right. There is something burning._ If he's lucky, it's only his dick._

"Uh, guys, can you all, uh, get out of this house for a second?" Luigi timidly asks. "There's like, a thousand of you in at the same time, so it's hard to turn the stove off..."

"Uh, sorry!" They say halfassed. "We're not instructed to do that."

"Can't you at least turn the stove off?" Luigi asked, obviously scared.

"Uh..." They just kind of look around. "We... don't know how. Our wives do that stuff. Besides, we're GOOMBAS! We walk back and forth! We're Nature's organic robots!"

"Mamma mia!" Luigi and I say in unison.

The entire stove's on fire by now. It's actually burning some of them alive. It's spreading all around us.

"Holy crap!" Luigi screams. _Wow, something other than the usual._

"Look," I begin, more annoyed than scared. "You guys are gonna burn up. Just get out."

"Whoa, we can't do that." The Assholes say. "We're just that mindless."

"Mario," Said Not-So-Green Guy. "I- I'm scared."

"Don't be a-"

_Goddamn him..._

He JUST hugged me. I notice that everyone else is officially freaked out. I practically throw him off me.

"Dude!" I say, not in my usual vocabulary. "You hugged me while you're naked! Not only that, BUT YOU WET YOURSELF ON ME!"

_I may as well kill him..._

"Mail call!" Shouted a familiar voice.

"Shut the fuck up!" I shout back. "There's no possible way this can get any worse..."

Just then, the television's volume increased dramatically out of nowhere. Not only that, but I think it also changed the channel by itself.

"Oh my god, folks! You won't believe this," The News Reporter excited states. "King Bowser has just eaten the World's Biggest Hot Dog!"

I twitch.

_That was MY title!_

Before I die right now, I have a few thoughts about today...

_Why didn't I force my way through those Goombas?_

_And why the hell didn't I jump out a window?_

Fade to black.


	2. Confusion, Prophecies, Asses to Kick

... _Dead?_

**No. Just fucking tired.**

_Oh. Uh, makes sense..._

**Bullshit.**

_What!_

**You're so blind. You think that everything's simple. You think that everyone against you is evil...**

_Why, yes. Yes, I do!_

**More proof.**

_Refresh my memory, mister id, but what are we supposed to be?_

**You just said it! Do I really need to tell you?**

_Yes, please._

**"Mister Id," I ought to kill you for that.**

_Why don't you?_

**Because you're the dominate one! If the dominator dies, the other must go with it. Sometimes I really wonder if you're doing your job.**

_Job?_

**... Of keeping me out of our thoughts...**

_I did that?_

**... By keeping me hidden in the subconscious for so long...**

_I'm confused._

**That's because you're the fucked up one. If you're that inept, then... It... will be inevitable...**

_It? I wasn't given the details of my importance since... Well, what is "It?"_

**It's a highly classified occasional occurence. Anyway, are you going to shut up?**

_Maybe._

**God, you need medication, if it wouldn't affect me... Okay, we're the id, as if you couldn't tell. You're the light side, I'm the dark side.**

_Oh. At least I figured it out._

**You see, this is why we can never get along. **

_Huh?_

**The sheer difference can't balance us out. You do realize that it was a freak accident that "you" were chosen as the "dominator," right?**

_Y'know, I suddenly forgot about that._

**God, I hate RPG situations.**

_Say, where are we, anyway?_

**Well, I told you that we aren't dead, right, dumbass? That's the truth. We aren't dead. We're merely in some sort of time-frozen dimension...**

_... It can't be._

**You fucktard. Who woke up first? Me, or you?**

__

**We both woke up! I couldn't believe it either, but they proved it. Our mind is so twisted that you didn't even process a single equation of it!**

_But... But I do know the explanation..._

**Then what happened, smartass?**

_We... got drunk...?_

**I... How... Just let me dominate our mind, okay? There's no need for your righteous stupidity corrupting it.**

_Then I remember, I think. Mommy told me to get you banished to the subconscious..._

**No way. For once, we feel lucid...**

_**What the fuck's going on?**_

_**Bowser...? Peach, must be...! MUST KNOW TRUTH!**_

_**WHAT DOES THIS MEAN...?**_

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01101011

In the end...

"What happen?"

I opened my eyes. In the middle of a black, star-filled background stood a White Shy Guy. Nothing out of the usual. I'll just call him Bob.

"What?" I reply, sounding insanly tired.

"You were in the process of turning while tossing in!" He said in an amazingly thick Engrish accent.

"Oh, that," I nonchalantly started. "Just the usual things I see whenever I close my eyes.

He just stared at my oddly for a few seconds.

"So please begin for me to allow to have this incident to be straightened," He said in an vaguely familiar language. "Whenever you are doing the work of closing your of eyes, you are in the seeing of floating an very conflicted words and binary code languages?"

"Uh, yeah."

"... OK."

I think about what I was thinking earlier. Um, if that makes sense. Apparently, I was awake before. I was told that I'm now in a dimension frozen in time. I also fell asleep when hearing the explanation of this interference. Huh. I'm wondering about the status of my mind after going through this trip, but I-and then Bob smacked me in the face.

"Hay!" He began. "Do not be believing that your're more muchful purposely messed up more than me! Look at me and to my voice! It stinks of carrots and nastfully and biggotlike pointy teeth! Me and to my job is in the interrupting time moments and talking to much more than language your ear of! I was learnt of many much language to be on only job! Truth be time is when you realize that I'm am yolk more than scrambled brain mind and spiritythan you can undrstandd!"

I try to make sense of that, but think my brain broke.

A few seconds later, in an instant, Bob was completely replaced by... a Goomba. Goomba is a nice shoe stain to feel.

"Alrighy, looks like he got fired, so I'll be your new spirit guide!"

"Eh?"

"Oh, right..." Realized the Goomba. "He couldn't tell you. Alright, here's your purpoose, Mario..."

"A long time ago, there was a placed called the Mushkoop Kingdom. It was a peaceful land. The people prospered. It was the center of the world with its great cities. One day, Mortan Koopa of the royal koopa line betrayed the nation. Actually, he just cheated on his wife by having some blowjob in the castle, but it was made to be a big controversy."

"Primative people."

"... Right. Anyway, Mortan wanted revenge on nothing, so he slipped a crushed pretzel into the Mushroom King's drink intended as a minor prank. Unknown to Mortan, he was allergic to pretzels. Actually, it wasn't enough to kill him, but choking on it really did. After that day, there were no more Mushroom Kings. It became customary for the oldest princess or prince to rule with a chancellor. In a rage, the people threw Mortan out of the land. Banished, he launched a campaign to take back what was taken to him... He wanted to take back to Mushkoop Kingdom by force. He managed to get many Koopas from the Mushkoop Kingdom to join him. Due to the rapid decrease of Koopas, the Mushkoop Kingdom became today's Mushroom Kingdom. Mortan's group became known as the Koopa Clan. His personal army was called the Mortan Minions. His armies weren't attacking yet, but they were storing supplies and growing in numbers..."

"I assume that the Mortan Minions was renamed to the Bowser Baddies?"

"Yes. Mortan and Bowser both had the same personal army named after themselves. Anyway, the daughter of the Mushroom King, who became Peach's grandmother, caught word of this and wanted revenge on Mortan. She paid a Koopa chef a great amount of Coins to kill Mortan. The chef agreed and put in a sort of megavitamin into his food, killing Mortan. Before he died, he got a Koopa hooker pregnant. The child was...-"

"Bowser..."

"Yes. Unlike his father, he didn't adopt a last name due to the prostitute's legal rights. He was raised by Kamek of the Koopa Kingdom, who now resides in the Beanbean Kingdom. You and Luigi were in the stork, when he took him, and... Well, you know the story... You became a doctor, your nurse is Peach, Peach "nurses" you a lot... the usual. Bowser had the Koopalings, who strangely adopted the surname of Koopa, and Bowser Jr., whom Bowser wants to be his successor."

"... I understand. This raises a lot of questions, like the regrowing question of who my parents were, since Luigi and I were just delivered by a stork from an unknown area... And, well, what about the intentions of the Koopa Clan and Mushroom Kingdom? Hearing that story made me reconsider the Mushroom Kingsdom's-"

"That's not important, and it'll never be. There's more. Before you were born, a prophecy was made. It stated that the same twins that were targeted as dangerous to the Koopa family would someday unleash sealed powers within seven star-things and determine the world's fate with a major choice... This was divined by none other than Kamek himself. He was told that the Great Awakening may prove fatal to the Koopa family by his superiors, and he went through with it. Apparently, he did some research later on, and then left the Koopa Clan... This prophecy is the reason you're here, because it isn't time for you to die. It wasn't even a step in the right path. This is your one chance to do things over again. It's up to you to fulfill it to change the world for the better..."

I just stood there, thinking about things... I mean, the Mushroom Kingdom... wasn't it an innocent place? Both seem to be bad in this story, but Bowser is seemingly leaning towards global conquest... but without the Mushroom Kingdom... And what about me? AND HOW LONG DO KOOPAS LIVE!

"Uh, Mario..." started the Goomba again. "Well, in case you're wondering, Kamek got this message through my boss. She possesses the ability to predict all of a person's possible actions in the future. She came to him in a dream to tell him. I guess you can call her some sort of prophet, or oracle... She knows more, but she does things her own way... If she sees the right moment, she'll try to steer you to positive direction. She can't take control of you this way, but she knows exactly when and how to do something. I'm sure she'll reveal herself to you in time... Any questions?"

"Uh, yes... Where do I start?"

"Oh, that. Mario, have you noticed that Randomness is becoming more common these days?"

"Yeah. It's that the reason I nearly died?"

"Yes. Well, Mario, you're supposed to find the source of this Randomness and destroy it. Only then can you fulfill your mission, er, prophecy. There will be clues. Just do what you do naturally, and it should come to you clearly."

"Okay then... I think I'm ready."

"You sure? Okay, I've arranged for you to go back to your time one day earlier before you got sent here. Good luck! I hope you discover all that you need to know on this journey."

When I woke up, it was 12:00. Luigi was cooking what appeared to be a fried dildo, the TV was on across from me... and I was stting on the bed with nothing to do. Until now. Same way as exactly one day ago.

I need to remind myself of the advantages and disadvantages of going back in time. _Okay, I might be able to win the lottery, but I forgot the numbers... Forget that. What was I supposed to do? Oh, yeah. Get the fuck out of here. I just got back, and no one remembers what had just happened. I've got to approach this in a calm, logical, and efficient manner..._

"LUIGI! LUIGI! OMFWTG THE HOUSE IS GONNA BURN! AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!"

Luigi, hearing me scream at the top of my lungs, responded naturally fine, like every brother should.

"What happened? Did you get your hand stuck in the toaster again?"

"Uh, Luigi... I, uh, just got back from the future's timeless place, and the house gonna burn down due to you not paying bills, or something."

Luigi just laughed. He thought this was some sort of joke? I just grunted at the thought.

"Luigi," I begin angrily. "If we don't go to your mansion for a few days, I'll lose all respect for you, puch you, and shove that fried dildo up your ass!"

"Ugh," He sounded annoyed. "... Fine. We'll leave soon. And- Oh shit! That's right! The bills!"

He ran back towards the Kitchen.

So, after Luigi finishes the bills, we'll go to Luigi's Mansion, and just wait to see what unfolds.

_I'm a genius._


	3. Revenge of Super Mario

"_Dear Diary,_

_Yeah, so yesterday I went to the store after getting my psycho brother out of the house. On the way there, I got shot in the arm, lost five kidneys due to a rabid polar bear in his meatloaf rage, got shot by some 'Giegue' alien, got experimented by a mad scientist's talking testicles, got whacked and woke up behind the bar with my hand in Toad's pants, was forced in a crossfire between the government and some cancer organization, got hit by a car, and then ended up getting shocked by a crazy shopkeeper who thought I stole something! Christ. Not only that, but when I got back, my brother nonchalantly asked why I took so long to get the pasta. I bet no one cared if I died! I must be incredibly secretly depressed. So I must keep bitching about my daily duties. You see-"_

"Mail call!"

_Dammit! I was just getting to the part where he complains!_

I leave my brother's secret diary in the basement. Lounging around with nothing to do, here. We're at Luigi's Mansion, by the way. Anyway, I get up and went to the mailbox outside.

_Bored. So bored. Incredibly boring. Okay, how about this?_

And so, I arrived at the mailbox outside, but not before valiantly battling the Dastardly Heat Lamp, not before I fought the Deranged Stack of Papers, and DEFINATELY not before I went face-to-face with the Overcooked Spaghetti Monster of Vanda.

I just chuckled at my own musings."Whatever."

I read the mail, but not before battling the Vicious Sight Phenomenon, and NOT before finished off the Unexplainable-

"SHUT UP!"

_Did I just scream at my own thoughts?_

Regardless, I got Luigi to read the letter to me because I think I supposed to be illiterate.

"Bwar har har hee! Yes, Mario! I, King Bowser, has singlehandedly kidnaped the princess... and set afire to various pasta factories... AND solved world hunger just like that! Yes, you can now see how the precious princess helped degrade the world, but under my control, she'll be my ultimate sex slave! If you don't get here in three days, I'll conquer the world under my just rule! Just try and stop us!

Sincerely, King of the Koopas!"

_Another adventure. How vile of him! Kidnaping Peach! Oh well. I'm off again, I guess-_

At that moment, an unfamiliar feeling swelled inside me. Everything froze._ I know someone's in trouble now..._

"He set afire to various pasta factories! There'll be HELL to pay!"

And so, Mario sets off for his most WEIRD adventure yet...

Revenge of Super Mario, or When an Idiot Gets REALLY in' Angry

I have no idea why I felt the need to insert that. Or why I'm interacting with it when I'm not supposed to.

Anyway, I arrive at Bowser's Keep. After knocking, some guy answers on the other side of the door.

"Who is it?"

"Luigi."

"Oh, really? Autograph, please!"

Some guy excitedly opens the door. It's just a Goomba, though I swear I've seen him (her?) before...

"Oh, it's just you, Mario. You know that we're ordered to just let you come in. All we do is just move back and forth mindlessly. We don't get to operate some awesome piece of machinery, either. Hey, you're the same Mario that killed my cousins, right? Good thing, too. They always beat the living carp outta me. Hey, why are you just standing there? Hey- NOOO!"

I don't feel like hearing this talkative shoe stain... So I take out my Smash-Quality Ray Gun and blow the guy's head off! ... Or, at least, what the limbless part of it is. Or something.

"I ain't hardly bullshittin' today! Die, bitches!"

I just sweep through the place, except I have an awesome new gun. Even easier. I don't know why I never bother taking one before. I was the same old procedure of traveling through the castle, and whatnot. Since it was so easy, I was thinking about the massive blowjob Peach'll give me this time for rescuing her. Yeah. Pretty easy. Then again, it always was. I then think about the gun...

_I guess Waluigi should get a spinoff adventure with a gun. That'd be cool._

Nothing of interest now that I'm at the top as my mind wandered. Well, things did end up different. When I got to the outside of Bowser's room, a rabid mechanical donkey attacked. It was simple enough to blow it apart, but at least it was something new. Since there was no heavily expected princess to rescue, I felt that I went through this for no reason. That is, until I suddenly notice Bowser's massive stack of porno magazines...

Okay, I'm done now.

I noticed that there was another letter under the porno stash. Now I have time to read it.

"_Bwah ha ha heh hawr! I'm a step ahead of you, Mario! I've hidden clues to my whereabouts, each more surprising than the last. Your first clue will be found in the other side of the conveniently-placed dimensional portal._

_Love, King of the Koopas!"_

Sure enough, there's a conveniently-placed dimensional portal. I think for a second if it's a trap, but knowing Bowser...

I jump in...


	4. Game Over?

You travel to another dimension... A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind... A dimension not within our average standards... Unknowingly, you fall victim to your disability to be incredibly oblivious to the upcoming chaos... At the Warp Pipe up ahead, your next stop...-

"Mamma MIA! Not again!"

... Kingdom II. The Land of Sub-Con.

"THERE you are!"

I turn around. Guess who?

"Ostro!" I exclaimed. "What do you want? I'm too busy right now!"

"Dammit, my name is Birdo!" She says. "The Cast got my name switched."

Birdo was... the above mentioned dinosaur, dammit! Pay attention!

"It's me, Birdo! The first Mario Bros. secondary rival! Not any of that Croco, Jr. Troopa, or Popple crap! I'm back with a vengeance, fool!"

_Birdo, Birdo, Birdo... Let me tell you about her. She's a huge slut. Anyone can tell that, especially with that mouth of hers. Not only is she a slut, but she's WITH YOSHI! Can you believe that? Here she is sleeping with anyone with even slight superstar status besides me, and Yoshi proposed to her. He can do better..._

Taking a conveniently-placed Fire Flower, I shoot fireballs in her mouth. She turns red.

"Ha! I can take any heat!" She somehow vaguely taunted.

Of course she's a slut when she can handle any kind of swallows...

I feel incredibly yet briefly relaxed when a giant boulder crushes her out of nowhere. A dark figure is seen above the high cliffs. I call out to it, but it stays still. Creepy.

Just then, Yoshi came out of nowhere.

"Zip-ZOO!" Noised he. "What the Yoshi happened? Buh-buh...-!"

He notices Birdo being crushed. Took long enough.

"There' only one explanation..." He started, vaguely Sherlock Holmes-ish. "... YOU KILLED BIRDO, YOU DON OF A YOSHI! YOU PRICK! I, SIR, CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"

... Uh-oh...

(Some Time Later...)

"Whew... You just barely survived the intense surgery!"

I wake up, surrounded by thirty doctors.

"No, don't try to move. You've lost all feeling below your neck, and your bones are as brittle as hell."

I attempt to open my mouth in oral objection, despite all the now-torturous pain to do so.

"Oh, that. Well, uh... # 21 is pretty inept, and... needless to say, we've made some sacrifices to save you."

_Let my die already. Logic doesn't apply to me! Just give me the 1-Up Mushroom!_

(Hours later, it was, well, the visiting hours.)

Bowser the fat fuck comes through the door...

"Ha heh hor heh!" He snorts fartishly. "Feeling like utter shit, Mario? I brought a little surprise..."

Princess Peach enters the room in her nurse outfit...

"This very NICE nurse just agreed to give me PLEASURE YOU CAN'T MEASURE!"

"Of course, Mr. Big N' Juicy."

_God, I never knew you were such a skank, Peach! Bowser, if I ever get unparylized, I swear that I'll painfully and personally eat your testicles for breakfast!_

"Enjoy your days as a vegetable! Goodbye, Losio!"

"Goodbye, pee-wee!"

The fat guy left. _God, if you love me, give me a sign..._

Just then, I overhear Bowser speak to his henchmen outside...

"Is PEACHY-BOT101 working correctly?"

"I believe so."

"Then why is she eying the doctors? She was created for ME!"

I couldn't help think about smiling, but I couldn't.

_I knew nobody would ever want you, Bowser. Your last eight women killed themselves._

Yoshi the Asswipe got through the door.

"You...! How did you lose? Have you really lost that much edge? Now I can't fuck her. And then I masturbated to let off steam. She didn't tolerate it, so she fuckin' dumped me! Mario... You're a real bastard, y'know that?"

_What in the hell is he talking about...? Did I just dream that whole think, "Sub-Con?" Or did Birdo somehow survive, and Yoshi's a schezophrenic? Maybe..._

In either case, I decided to get revenge...

I move my body with all my remaining strength, and nearly all of my bones break.

Yoshi looked very alarmed. "Oh my god! Mario! I didn't mean to-"

"Code Blue! Code Blue!"

"Shit!"

"You! Get him!"

"But-"

"NOW!"

Long story short, they operate on me. My heart stops. I die. The end.

But how do I keep going, you say?

Simple!

I may tell you later, but I need to get something out of the way...


	5. Shameless Advertising, Shameless Ending

Hey kiddies! It's Super Mario!

Guess what!

That's right! It's time to sing the **Gimme Reviews** song!

_You give me a review,_

_And maybe I'll go shoo,_

_And my bad lyrics will go..._

_AWAY-YE-YE-YIE-SH!_

_A good review..._

_And you will see..._

_The story_

_FINISHED-DA-DA-DWEH!_

_Oh, I'll shove in a review,_

_Shameless, shameless view,_

_Put in a brand-brand new..._

_COO-COO-CA-CHOO!_

_Who flew, flew away?_

_Long and long, the bay?_

_There's a manta ray!_

_My! I think he's gay!_

_Now the song makes no sense,_

_At my credible expense,_

_I guess I'll surely rot in hell,_

_As a BELL-boy._

_If you don't do your part,_

_You'll be stealing works of art,_

_Wait a minute, where's my dart?_

_To use on the dartboard for which..._

_I'll BEWITCH... a non-reviewer!_

(There's no hope... Where's my 18 dollars!)

I mean, uh? Oh! It's over? Yes, uh, this can be your chance to change history! In a positive way, even! For a limited time only! If you send more reviews, maybe a next chapter will appear with the words "Yeah, right. Did you actually believe that THAT was THE END! God, you people are gullible." Don't you want to see that!


End file.
